So we’ve retreated to our man cave, brought out the bro bibles, and consulted with guy gurus to come up with a list of stuff that will make even the Old Spice Guy drooling, and to teach you how to shop like a boss.
Bottle opener belt buckle
So a boss walks into a bar…you know you’re on a roll when you can open beer bottles in the most provocative way possible and still look the decent lad. Swagger and practicality? Rejoice in humanity. With this bottle opener belt buckle, the ladies will be lining up to you to have their bottles popped in no time.
J&D’s Bacon soda
What better way to wash down your bacon breakfast than with bacon soda? Bosses and bros know that bacon is better than true love. So why stop at one meal in a day when you can have bacon anytime, anywhere, and in any way you want! Also available: J&D’s Bacon Popcorn and J&D’s Bacon Gravy (Yes, gravy. Don’t ask.)
Well strip me naked and call me Tesla. The DTV Shredder is what you get when a skateboard and a tank one day decide to make babies. This crazy contraption sports enough power to reach speeds up to 30mph while travelling over virtually any terrain. The Shredder will make skateboards and longboards look like child’s play. The world is your park.
Bear Grylls survivor trousers
Boromir lied. A boss does simply walk into Mordor especially when he has on the Bear Grylls Survivor Trousers. Slip on a pair of these and you’ll be snapping orc necks and stomping hobbits in no time. Available in four colors and sizes, the trousers feature eight pockets with a watertight DryBag, protective boot tape, ankle reinforcement while keeping you dry and free like the wild man that you are.
Beer is proof god loves us
From Homer Simpson to Barney Stinson, a boss loves a good beer. Know about your pint—how it’s made, its history, and its heritage—with this book by Charles Bamforth. Why wait for TGIF when you can TGINMA (Thank God It’s Not Monday Anymore). So grab this book, call up your bros, raise a glass and don’t forget to say grace and praise Jesus for the wonderful blessing that is booze.
Ever heard of the Gas Mask Bra? Now, hear this: an inflatable neck tie which transforms into a pillow—the Pillow Tie! With your hard and uncomfortable desks, these babies are the next best things to bed. Perfect for when you’ve just crammed a paper, or pulled an all-nighter for a test. 10,000 points to humanity for this fashionable and functional men’s must-have.
But of course you couldn’t call yourself a boss without something from Apple. It’s no secret that the iPhone is the steeziest of all the smartphones. From its sleek design to its ace functionality, there’s nothing else to make this piece of 21st century technology any better. Oh wait, there is: Real World Laser Tag—enough said.
Bugatti Veyron? Lame. Lamborghini Reventon? Uncool. How about rolling on the road with the Batmobile?. This 1966 Batmobile is an official replica of Batman’s wheels from the classic TV series. It’s got everything from the real thing down to details—even an operational flame thrower in the rear! This beast is so boss, it should really be called the Bossmobile.
The Martin jetpack
Now, if the Batmobile’s not boss enough for you, then it’s time to bring out the biggest gun: the Martin Jetpack. Whether you’re simply feeling as badass as Bond, or running late for a big boss meeting, just strap the Martin Jetpack to your back (easily done with its mere 5-feet frame) and, at 63 miles per hour, you’ll be feeling flyer than a G6!
While your future children are cooped up in that abysmal air-tight void, you can keep them clean and dry with Fresh Balls. Its formula containing tea tree oil and oatmeal can keep you free of bacteria and irritation. The application is easy as one-two-tree. You’ll be so fresh, you’ll be walking through water like a second Exodus. Do you think this is a joke? It’s all fun and games until someone catches a whiff of your manhood.
However, it’s one thing to shop, and another to shop like a boss. A boss does everything in style and swagger— even in situations that may compromise his “boss-ness”— like cross-stitching or flower-arranging or soap opera-watching and of course, shopping. If you’re in the dark on how to act suavely in a store, chill and remember these commandments.
The 10 Commandments to Shopping Like A Boss
A boss does everything in style and swagger, including shopping. If you’re in the dark on how to act in a mall or store, chill and remember these commandments.